can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.