apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful