if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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