Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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