omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
