I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
