Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
