fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
