Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
