So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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