Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
