She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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