dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
