Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
