what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
