dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize