How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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