i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you remember whose house we're in?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
