i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
