Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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