I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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