Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
