there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
