college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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