I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize