the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
