So drunk its hurt
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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