I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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