we're blogging at a bar
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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