She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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