They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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