This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
