I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
