Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
