I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
