hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
