haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
