trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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