My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
