you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
