literally had 100 drinks last night.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
