we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
