U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
