I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
