I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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