My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
