hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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