Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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