That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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