I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
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We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.