I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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