Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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