A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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