My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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