I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
