I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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