I think I won the penis lottery.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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